In my experience as an erotic spoken word artist, I have talked to several people who would approach me at the end of a show and tell me a personal sexual story of how they felt embarrassed, ashamed or the “only one” who had the sexual desires they were carrying and working through. They were grateful to have seen and heard my performance, especially coming from a woman and being able to stand in my sexual truth. Something they heard from me turned a light on in their brain and created an “a-ha” moment. I brought them a bit of sexual peace saying it’s okay to feel how they felt sexually.
What I have witnessed for black women, many of us are not taught to be sexually comfortable with our bodies, our thoughts and our sexual selves as a whole. Those of us who are older are just a few relatives away from slavery. That means our sexual lessons came from other women who were denied sexual choices and freedoms. We were taught from the experiences our great-grandmothers, grandmothers, mothers and other women who may have suffered from sexual trauma. For example, my grandmother was raped as a young woman in Chicago. For seventeen years she was married to my grandfather, who was an adulterer. After she filed for divorce, she never remarried or had a boyfriend. Her idea of love and sex were developed through her experiences and she was the ultimate teacher to my mother and myself regarding relationships.
My new school readers, may know more than some of the old schoolers when we were their age due to easy and quick access to information through the internet and other technological advances. However, their openness and sexual freedoms are still stifled. They struggle with who they can be, should be and who they want to love. They struggle with compromising or standing above the social norms of what relationships should look like today. Some struggle with sexual identity and what they want to be called or not labeled.
For everyone, there is still a stigma on how one must look and feel in one’s own body. Some of us are still comparing ourselves to the old American standards that long, straight hair, a keen nose, and other European features are “the look” to have. We forget to focus on self and to love all that we have and all that we are.
People ask me how am I comfortable in my own sexual skin. It has been a journey. I am everything opposite of America’s beauty standards. I am a dark complexioned black woman. My natural hair is filled with tight coils which is deemed kinky or nappy. I have a wide-spread nose. My body is thicker than the thin, blonde, white model that has been highlighted and worshipped for as long as we can remember. I realized by looking at other black women in my neighborhood where I grew up in Chicago, the black women on television and in magazines like Essence, Ebony and Jet Magazine with the lovely Jet Beauty of the Week, we were cut from the same black girl magic cloth. The more I looked at those women and admired their beauty, the more I saw myself.
Since I read about sex and women’s bodies, I learned to love me. I encourage you to take time to look at yourself. Be real with your sexual likes and dislikes. If there is someone special in your life have an open and honest conversation about your sex life and what you think it should look like.
You have to love you and your sexual experiences. Most importantly, your desires must be respected by your mate.
How are you not standing in your sexual truth? What desires have you stashed away to go with the flow in your relationship? What changes would you like to make to have a healthier sexual you?
For those who are sexually conscious, how has this been for your sex life and with your mate?
I’d love to hear from you! Tell a friend about Chocolate Cocaine and have them join our sexual high as well!